While you’re out buying your dad a new grill or a Home Depot gift card for Father’s Day (I’ll be getting my dad a bag of Peanut M&Ms and a Star Trek figurine), remember to show some love to your virtual fathers as well: those dads that reside deep inside your favorite video games. They have reared you from a young “tadpole” to a grown marshmallow, honed your Arwing flying skills, told tales of the old days of tossing barrels at Mario, and in some cases, you even ARE the father!

Though some of these fathers lied to you about your true identity, or even just failed to actually show up, they were still our dads’and it’s our turn to honor these fine father figures (how about that for alliteration?). So onward to the granddaddy of all lists, the top fathers in the videogame universe! Just one word of caution, many of entries contain some general plot spoilers, but if you have yet to play the games mentioned, go play them (after you take your dad out for lunch, of course).

-Becky’s Choices-

Frogfucious (Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars)

Though he is technically Mallow’s “grandfather,” Frogfucious serves as Mallow’s father figure for a good part of the game. The wise old frog who’s as sharp as a tack rescued poor Mallow when he was just a baby after he was found floating down the river in a basket following a terrible storm. From then on, Frogfucious raised our fluffy friend as a tadpole, teaching him the wisdoms of the river. But perhaps the hardest thing Frogfucious ever had to do was reveal to Mallow, his true identity: Mallow was not a tadpole, but a being from the clouds! Though it pained him greatly to do so, Frogfucious surrendered his role as Mallow’s caregiver and told him to seek out his true father and mother in the land of Nimbus.

Dad (Earthbound)

Ness’ dad never actually appears in Earthbound–in fact, the only time there’s actually an image associated with him is in the end credits, when he is merely represented as a telephone! As a workaholic, Dad is never at home and his only means of communication with Ness is by phone. Dad’s role in Earthbound is to aid Ness in saving his game through the phone and he also assists in depositing his son’s funds into the bank.

According to Wikipedia, Dad’s absence from his son’s life in Earthbound is kind of a poke at the Japanese worker-bee society. Though he might not be the most perfect video game dad, he at least makes some sort of outreach to Ness by suggesting that they “get together” for Ness’ 14th birthday.

Bowser (Super Mario series)

King Bowser, through his gruff exterior, is still the father of 7 bouncing Koopa Kids–but the question that’s been on my mind since childhood is…who exactly is the mother? Where did all those kids come from?! Logistics aside, Bowser has certainly done his fatherly part in raising his spawn to be just like him–each Koopa Kid is crafty and evil in their own way, always thinking of ways to thwart the plans of Mario and his gang. Bowser is caring in his own way, in that he has funded each Kid’s floating airship and castle lair.

Then there’s the other child, Bowser Jr., whose origins are questionable as well (Princess Peach?). Following the empty nest years after Super Mario Bros. 3 and Super Mario World, Bowser must have wanted another Koopaling to do his bidding, as the two have Hot-Tubbed together and attended/crashed various Mario Parties. Yes, he may be evil, but the guy’s sure got a soft spot for his kids!

Farmer Jack (Harvest Moon series)

Players took on a parenting role with the advent of the first Harvest Moon game for the Super Nintendo. If you worked hard enough and gave the girls in town enough presents, you, as Farmer Jack (or whatever you named yourself!), could eventually get married and have babies amidst all your farming duties! Even though conversation with your “wife” was limited in the first game, the introduction to having a child in a game and having your wife remind you to hold the baby was kind of exciting! (to me, at least!) As the series progressed, so did your responsibilities as a father. In the Nintendo 64 version, you had to be careful not to drop your baby into the house bathtub (a rumored glitch that I have never tried myself, and certainly don’t want to!). In the Gamecube versions you can buy your child toys and coloring books, hold him and cuddle him, and even throw him up into the air! Even the people who you’re friends with determine the interests your child has later on in life. This game is virtual-fathering at its best!

-Christian’s Choices-

James McCloud (Star Fox series)

James McCloud and his wife, Vixy Reinard-McCloud, raised their young Fox McCloud into the respectable pilot he is today. Following the death of Fox’s mother in an assassination attempt on James McCloud by a jealous Andross (who had also loved Vixy), James was all Fox had left in the universe. Unfortunately, James failed to return from a mission with his Star Fox team to the planet Venom – he was taken captive by Andross and presumed dead.

Fox eventually took the helm of the Star Fox team and with the help of Slippy Toad, Falco Lombardi, and James’ old teammate Peppy Hare, Fox admirably followed in his father’s footsteps as a missionary and force in fighting off Andross. Whenever in the vicinity of Venom, however, Fox encounters a figure resembling his father whenever he is in dire situations. James has arrived to guide Fox out of Andross’ self-destructing base and join the Star Fox in the fight against the Anglar Emperor. For unknown reasons, James has yet to return home to Corneria with Fox. However, it is evident that James has raised a son to be proud of and that he will always be at his son’s side when needed. James always leaves Fox with the advice to “never give up.”

Cranky Kong (Donkey Kong series)

It’s been a long time since Cranky Kong originally kidnapped Pauline and threw barrels down to his rival Mario during their younger days. These days, he waddles around his cabin with his cane simply serving as guidance to his son, Donkey Kong – the curly haired, necktie-wearing, Donkey Kong Jr. all grown up.

While Cranky Kong can be, well, cranky and bitter as he constantly insults his empty-headed son and his friends and hitting them on the noggins with his cane, he’s a good father at heart. He’ll always be around to offer tips and advice to young Donkey Kong, and even took up potion-making in his later days to contribute to Donkey Kong’s adventures in anyway he could. When there’s no impending need to spoil the plans of King K. Rool, Cranky will set aside time to bond with DK and his friends. He has been seen behind the turntables when DK and friends decide they want to rap.

King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule (The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker)

While not the immediate ancestor to Princess Zelda in The Wind Waker, King Hyrule serves as a father figure to both Link and Zelda. He was the greatest king that ever sat upon Hyrule’s throne, and yet his efforts were not enough to halt Ganon’s return to Hyrule. He learned from his experiences, though. He remained trapped under the Great Sea and tied to the sunken Hyrule Kingdom for thousands of years and for the duration of the game, yet goes out of his way to guide Link on his quest via a magical, red, talking boat – The King of Red Lions. Upon revealing the true identities and destinies of Link and Zelda, he offers the princess sanctuary as Link continues on towards Ganon.

In his final moments, he realizes the need to rid the world of Hyrule Kingdom and its tarnished history. Thinking only of Link, Zelda, and their futures, he lays his hand on upon the Triforce and wishes Hyrule to be permanently washed away and for the children to be given hope. Link and Zelda float back to the surface, reaching one last time for the king who would sacrifice his own life and kingdom so that they could have a future.

-Matthew’s Choices-

Dr. Light and Dr. Wily (Mega Man)

In the year 200X, two men will be able to conceive not just one, but as many as eight children together! It’s true, just ask Dr. Light and Dr. Wily, the co-creators of Rock (Mega Man), their daughter Roll (Rock and Roll? Leave it to those two…), and a smorgasbord of Robot Masters (Guts Man!).

Shortly after the first robot creations, trouble in paradise struck the doctors. After Dr. Light was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize and all the credit for the robots, Dr. Wily grew extremely bitter and sought revenge by turning Dr. Light’s own robots against him. While the Robot Masters were created to help humanity with mundane tasks such as demolition and time travel research, Dr. Wily reprogrammed them to assist him with his plans of world domination- and huzzah!- one of the longest running game franchises was born!

Big Boss (Metal Gear Series)

With appearances in Metal Gear, Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake, and Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, Big Boss is the most essential character in the entire Metal Gear universe. Hell, Big Boss is such a stud that he enjoys the spotlight in Metal Gear Solid, even if he was already dead. Just how awesome is Big Boss? Refer to the following list:

• Green Beret and the very first field operative for the FOX unit.
• He not only survived a fall from the top of a bridge, but he also survived a nuclear explosion
• Infiltrated the Soviet fortress of Groznyj Grad and destroyed the nuclear tank, Shagohod
• Founder of the special forces unit, FOXHOUND
• Survived torture and was left for dead on multiple occasions, but still managed to survive (until he was finally killed by Solid Snake in Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake
• At his older age, he looks like Sean Connery.

Clearly there was far too much badassness to go around, so Big Boss had three children cloned from his DNA during the Les Enfants Terribles of the 1970s- Liquid Snake (whose arm is famous in Metal Gear Solid 2), Solidus Snake (known as George Sears, who is only the President of the United States), and Solid Snake (the main playable character of the Metal Gear series).

Big Boss won’t be winning any “father of the year” awards anytime soon, I mean after all, he sent Solid Snake to Outer Heaven in the first Metal Gear with the assumption that he would fail his mission and die, but when Solid Snake reached the end, Big Boss was forced to kill Solid Snake himself. Even when Solid Snake ends up “killing” Big Boss, he shows up at the end of credits to swear revenge against Solid Snake. I’d love to see how Thanksgiving was handled at the Snake household…

Did I mention that Big Boss’s codename was Naked Snake? How awesome.